Doing new things is SO MUCH FUN! Mmmmmm yeah and…………….doing new stuff is TERRIFYING and HARD and EMPOWERING and EXCITING and did I mention TERRIFYING?
Unfortunately the only way to recover from anything, is by getting out of your comfort zone and that is painful! Ok, for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook (why????) anyway, I posted this yesterday……..
Notice the hashtag #somuchfun – well it really was fun! I loved it and was completely beside myself with excitement and so much gratitude to Jo and Fouad for the opportunity BUT #somuchfun was not the whole truth; it should have also read #imnowsosmashedimgoingtobed #nauseousanddizzy #selfdoubtscreamingatme #whyamIdoingthis #whycantijustbeaspectator?
Yep, not as glamorous is it? But then I remembered I didn’t become friends with you all to be glamorous – I did it to be real. So let’s do it… let’s address these ugly #tags.
So my body was #smashed and #nauseous and #dizzy, I was tired, really tired and aching all over but you know what? That’s just because of CFS/ME challenges which I know I’m slowly winning over, so that’s ok, big deal I had to rest.
#selfdoubt….. really just fear in a nice frock, fear of failure, fear of people not liking me, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of offending people…. mmmm also sounds a lot like ego…..Oh dear! For a big part of yesterday the mean voices in my head were screaming at me with megaphones really LOUDLY! They were uninvited but thought they were welcome because they had previously lived here, so they invited themselves back. I couldn’t stop these mean guys from barging into my head, but I could decide if I was going to welcome them, show them a good time or feed them – I decided not to talk to them, listen to them and to most definitely not feed them and guess what??? They got bored and hungry and left!!
Now thank the Lord for husbands, my hubby who is trying to have a blokes bike riding weekend away in the bush, still made time to give me a pep talk when I rang him yesterday saying #whyamidoingthis? He beautifully reminded me of how much I love you all, and how my heartaches for those of you who are now where I have been, he reminded me that stopping this heartache and love for you is impossible to do and that is why #Iamdoingthis, to tell you we are in it together and that I see you. I see your braveness and your unbreakable spirits as you too conquer doing #newthings. Recovery is a looong process, stepping out is hard and scary; for me after twelve years in a world where medication controlled my thoughts it has left me with a few bad habits and still some work to do. I think we are forever a work in progress, which really is a nice thing cause it’s what makes us human, it’s these shared struggles that make us love each other so much.
So you courageous Keep In Mind Tribe… a reminder for us all #starvethefear and it will eventually #pissoff and FYI #whycantijustbeaspectator because although that sounds really comfortable and cushy and nice, it’s also really boring and unfulfilling and I dunno about you but I’ve had enough of watching other people kick goals, it’s now my turn!
So there you have it, the raw ugly truth.
I love you all.
KEEP IN MIND #starvethefear
Kisses, Meli x