I understand that my ability to Push through is the reason I am still alive. I know that it was through drive and will power that I fought to save my sanity, my marriage, my life. I have been applauded for this character trait and received accolades for my strength and ability to shove the boundaries aside. I find myself using words like warrior and fighter and even super hero. All relevant and true descriptions and necessary attributes if we are going to survive this thing called life. But come on, let’s face it, you never hear about a warrior who was charging into battle and then screamed, “hold on a minute I need to take time out, I need to rest.” Well guess what? They do. A successful warrior’s game-plan has many strategies.
I guess it’s all about seasons and battles, and understanding that life is not a one size fits all. Our tool kit should not just contain swords and but also pillows. This warrior is really struggling with this… big time.
Reality has once again bitten, like really, I have a huge gapping hole where life sank it’s teeth into me. Today I’m throwing myself a small scale pity party, no one else is invited, just me, I don’t want anyone reminding me how much I have to be grateful for, or how much worse off others are, nor do I want to hear about the children in africa. I don’t want to hear words like Bravery, courage or strength. I just want to wallow for a bit, not the whole day, just a little.
You see I’ve just found out that in order to avoid this constant cycle of exertion equaling crashing, I must start a pacing program where I will be constantly wearing a heart rate monitor, an alarm will go off anytime my heart rate goes over 100! Do you realise how often during the day our heart rate goes over 100…. Constantly. So if you see me out and about and randomly lying prostrate on the ground, don’t panic, I’m just waiting for my heart rate to drop. My hubby was so concerned, he’s so thoughtful, his first question was, are we still allowed to get “jiggy with it?” Men… Seriously!!!
To he honest, I’m actually really peeved off about the whole thing. Restraint – I loath you, I do know though, that building a relationship with you and maybe even us becoming friends is my only way out of this.
I never imagined that pushing would have ended me up here. I was not only never warned that pushing my body, even in what I thought was the healthiest of ways, could cause irreparable damage, but rather pushing was encouraged and recommended. I had got off the meds, cleaned up my lifestyle and diet, so naturally exercise was the next thing to tick off the list. Exercise is a vital key to mental health after all. If only I had known that my diagnosis was M.E. all along…. Pushing and exercising hard for six months caused me to collapse. My body shut down completely.
Now I promise, once these pity party balloons start deflating I’m going to get on with it, really I am. I’m going to embrace ‘restraint’ like never before, I’m going to make sloths look active.
I AM re-thinking this new restful life concept I find myself forced to embrace. BUT, Until this ‘party’ is over I’m focusing on what I have to give up, what I can no longer do, the stuff that everybody else can do but I can’t, the things I’m good at, the things I’m trained to do and love to do……. All gone.
I’m going away to sulk a little, the ‘party’ seems to be dying out so I’m off to enjoy the last few moments……………………………..
Ok, I’m back. Party officially over. Now what? I’ve decided instead of focusing on all the losses and the ‘me’ I’m having to ‘give up’ – Rather than embracing this mentality that my life is being discarded. I’ve decided this is an amazing, yet challenging opportunity to repurpose my life. I looked up the definition of repurpose and I was blown away with the possibilities.
Repurposing is the process by which something with one use value is transformed into something with an alternative use value.
So don’t be mislead by my restful state, it’s not non-productive afterall. I am intentionally finding new purpose, I’m regenerating, just like those roped off sand dunes at the beach, closed for regeneration. It looks tired and almost dead now, but just wait till next season….. Oh my lord it’s going to be flourishing with new growth, new life and new possibilities! I can hardly wait but am embracing the fact I must.
I love you!
Ps. Big shout out to my Bff Shaz for inspiring me and teaching me, you are my hero!