Today I did something most of you might not see as significant enough to write about. For me though, it certainly feels worth shouting from the rooftops. For “fun” my husband (big polish alpha male, dirt bike riding, blokey bloke) and I took a yoga class. Gasp! Yeah I know, probably not the most exciting thing you’ve heard today. But for me it was bigger than just taking a class, it is symbolic of the incredibly positive turn my life has taken. In fact, I’m getting all teary thinking about it. Yes, I am slightly more of an emotion sook than most; but in this case the tears are warranted.
Today I walked out of yoga class looked at my hubby, who was a lather of sweat and slightly bewildered by what he’d just experienced. (We were both exhausted yet laughing at just how awkward our down dog, up dog and the whole kennel was.) It was in this moment though that I realised just how robbed I have been for the last 13 years; how in love I am with my husband that he would take a jolly yoga class with me and how in love I am with life that I had the strength, desire and motivation to take any sort of class. Truly miraculous. It brought to life the incredible power of ‘the small things’ and how they contaminate ‘everything.’ Having the health to go on a morning adventure with my man, where we laughed, groaned and mocked each others inflexibility was just unexplainably wonderful.
It has been a horrendously long and very traumatic thirteen year journey. This last year especially. Twelve months ago I found myself feeling that life was no longer worth living; I was constantly plagued by illness and felt that I was nothing but a burden on my loved ones. I was surrounded by a beautiful life and family, But I just couldn’t bear being unable to participate. I was at the point of ‘do or die’ and I mean literally. Fortunately I decided to DO. Doing for me started VERY SLOWLY with one small change and then another and another. For twelve months I’ve been making very conscious, sometimes risky and controversial small choices. Just one of those small things on their own probably would not have put a ripple in the mess that was my health, but I am astounded daily at the unstoppable power of all those small things put together. For me, it has mean’t reclaiming a life that doctors told me was gone forever.
For many years the most exciting my weekend adventures ever got would usually have involved coffee and cake. My husband would use berry danish and carrot cake (must have cream cheese icing or I’m going back to bed) as an enticement for me to leave the house. To now have the freedom of choice to seek new ways to enjoy time together is an incredible gift.
It amazes me, how back then without me realising it, the ‘small things’ were also affecting everything! But negatively. Twelve months ago when I began this new journey to health, I honesty could not see beyond minute to minute. I can’t explain what snapped inside me to decide enough was enough; possibly the fear of yet another new drug and it’s life altering horrible side effects or maybe it was the taste of death that spurred me on. I just knew in my gut that I could no longer continue on this pharmaceutical roller coaster.
I didn’t have a grand scheme in place or some meticulously forged out regime on how to regain my life. I made one small change and then another. I prayed hard, researched hard and gained as much knowledge as I could about each new small choice. I decided that the choices being made about my life were my choices to make, not others, so I took control; which was terrifying. It’s considerably less pressure to allow others to decide for you, when you take control it means that you are responsible and no one else. Yikes!! Completely frightening because if this fails, it’s on me and no one else.
Yeah a little confronting to say the least. No one can change my life but me! I know, I know – your probably sighing thinking – cliche cliche! But this truly dropped into my spirit. An internal voice spoke with an intensity that I could not ignore, “Meli stop waiting for someone or something to rescue you, that person is you.” This hit me like a 2B4 in the side of the head.
So I took up the challenge and began, and the next day I took up the challenge and began, and then I took up the challenge and began. It’s monotonous, repetitious and bloody hard work! Taking your health into your own hands is not for the faint hearted, don’t expect people to cheer you on or applaud your efforts for reclaiming your health – if you do you’ll be disappointed. This is your journey no one else’s. It takes time to grasp, I still find myself at times falling into the self pitying talk of “Why won’t someone help me” – “No one cares what I’m going through” – “No one knows how hard this is for me.” I have, no kidding, actually physically slapped myself across the face and replied to that pity talk with, “Yep that’s right, so pull yourself together, get over it and get on with it!”
Listen, I know I’m just telling you the common story that supposedly we all already know, “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” I guess until you have the inner revelation of how this applies to your life, then it’s just another useless analogy. I genuinely want to encourage every single one of you to please please try and stop listening to what others dictate and start living the life you were designed to live. You can create change. Start moving forward one small choice at a time. If your moving forward your winning. There is no such thing as winning a little. Your either winning or your not. If your moving forward, no matter how ever so slowly your a winner to me! You are so much stronger and braver than you ever realised! Keep in mind – your not actually alone on this journey because although we haven’t yet met, I am cheering for you. I believe in YOU!
Buziaki, Meli xxx